I was convicted today... No, I am being convicted because even now as I write, God continues to reveal the truth to me.
I had decided, prior to Lent, that I would give up sweets for 40 days. No desserts. No candy. However, just prior to Ash Wednesday, during a middle-of-the-night prayer vigil, God spoke clearly to my heart that He wanted me not to buy anything during Lent. Nothing. Since He was the one who had awakened me for prayer, I concluded that this is what He had awakened me to tell me, so I took Him at His word...briefly. I got off to a shaky start, and it has only gone downhill from there.With the spending, that is. I haven't had the first bite of anything sweet.
On Ash Wednesday, I was in Barnes and Noble (So much for fleeing temptation.), and there was a book I just HAD to have, and it was a SPIRITUAL book, so I asked Brent to buy it for me. The machinations of a whitewashed tomb! That lead to a book order, which I justified because it was a book of readings specifically for Lent. This compromise led to further compromises as as I rationalized several more purchases of substantive books that would contribute to my spiritual growth. This slippery slope led to my ordering some new clothing that would mostly be paid for from my earnings from teaching crochet. And today, I ordered some stationery because I NEEDED it. Oh, I just remembered! I went and bought some new shoes and a shirt to wear to my grandmother's funeral.
Not long after ordering the stationery, as I was leaving work this afternoon, it came to me...what I had done. Not just the buying in and of itself, but the bigger picture. The momentum of compromise began as I justified purchases that I saw as contributing to my spiritual growth, but in doing this, I was defining spiritual growth in my own terms. God had a better way to grow me spiritually, and that was for me not to buy anything for forty days. I needed that discipline far more than I needed to read another book—or to avoid another cookie, for that matter. Thinking of all of this now is even more painful in light of the fact that I taught Romans 6 last week! I am the slave of the one I obey. And I had allowed myself to obey my flesh rather than to obey the Spirit.
Days ago, I had already begun to see that I didn't really need or care that much about the things I had purchased. I knew in my heart that the only book I really needed was my Bible, and I have so many unread books that I could read for the rest of the year and not exhaust my supply. The book I asked Brent to buy for me is going to the library because it is too liberal for me. I've only read a few pages of the book for Lent. The shoes and shirt I purchased for the funeral turned out to be unnecessary as it turned cold again that day. You see how it is. All of my purchases have proven to be unnecessary and unsatisfying. Now I wonder, what did I forfeit by thinking I knew better for myself than God knows for me? What blessings did I miss out on?
I no longer want to seek any kind of satisfaction in THINGS, even those I perceive to be good things such as prayer and theology books. I want to walk in the Spirit and not gratify the desires of my flesh (Galatians 5:16). I no longer wanted to be fooled or ruled by my deceitful heart (Jeremiah 17:9). I want to glorify God in everything, even in how—no—especially in how I spend money (I Corinthians 10:31).
Of course, I have herein demonstrated the whole purpose of Lent. It is to remind me of my sin and weakness and my need for the cross and my absolute inability to do one thing about my sin outside of Christ. Thankfully, because He died and has been raised from the dead, I can consider myself dead to sin and alive to God (Romans 6:11), and because of this, it is possible for me not to buy anything during the second half of Lent.
