Self-Examination

I wrote the following post in my journal on July 3, and I'm just now getting around to posting it. I do SO want to share things here more frequently, and I hope to do so in the not too distant future.

A few weeks ago in class, I referred to my "period of disobedience," and one of the class members asked, "How to you know you were being disobedient?" It is an excellent question because during that time in my life I sincerely thought I was doing what God called me to do. Why looking back on it now do I see it as disobedience? The question deserves an honest answer, and I have been thinking about how to respond ever since the question was posed.

The first thing I settled on were the things in which I was unquestionably obedient:

1. I loved God and desired to grow in my relationship with Him.
2. I ultimately put my family before myself.
3. I attended church faithfully and never gave up on worship.
4. I grew in my desire for spiritual things and in my distaste for worldly things. This was to a certain extent due to what I exposed myself to: no television, no popular music, no R-rated movies, etc.
5. I dedicated myself to raising my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
6. I served the church in a variety of ways as I was called on to do so.

Next, I examined areas of unquestioned disobedience.

1. I did not seek God as I could have done based on the time available to me. I should have spent more time in prayer and in the Word.
2. I often placed my own wants and needs above those of my family members.
3. I didn't serve others based on the time and means available to me. I often thought of serving others such as in sending notes or preparing meals, but I rarely followed through,
4. I didn't nurture my spiritual gifts. My gifts necessitate even more Bible study and related reading than required in #1.
5. I did not make the most of my time. I often spent hours online in a miserable trance I knew I needed to break, but I would keep sitting there seemingly powerless to do anything about it. I lost myself in other people's pleasures and pursuits and rarely followed through on my own.

It's been nearly two weeks since I began making these mental lists, and even after making them I still couldn't answer the question: Was I in rebellion? But as I was studying today, I found the sermon I posted about here, and as I read it, I was set free from the need to answer the question.

No, I clearly did not press on to maturity as I could have done, but is that an unrealistic expectation for someone who was, in retrospect, clinically depressed? And if I was clinically depressed, was it not by the sovereignty of God? And if God is sovereign over spiritual maturity, did He not allow all of the good and the bad in my past to accomplish His purposes?

The unexamined life is not worth living, but endless examination is unnecessary and counterproductive. My past experiences have driven me to the cross and are being used by God. That is all that matters.