A Thirteen Year Lesson in Humility

I started walking with God in the autumn of 1994. Nearly three years later in August 1997, my husband and I, who had been married for two years, went on a mission trip with a group from our church to Mexico City. Our primary purpose was to assist a small evangelical church in Milpa Atla with a construction project. In addition, the pastor who was leading the trip asked us to select a passage of scripture to study and meditate upon while we were there. I chose Philippians chapter two, and I brought along the book, Humility, by Andrew Murray. I was going to focus on humility.

In retrospect, it's hard for me to believe that I even recognized my need for it at that point in my life. It was clearly by the grace of God. I also know now that an intellectual understanding of humility cannot possibly produce it. It is borne out of experience. Thirteen years later, after experiencing unhappy work circumstances, two miscarriages, motherhood and all its challenges, depression, and much heartache, I am finally in the position to learn humility. The prerequisite appears to be to have been broken times beyond measure.

All of this has become clear to me upon reading Humility: True Greatness by C.J. Mahaney. I completed it on Sunday evening, and it is one of the best, most practical books on Christian living I have ever read. I really want you to read it for yourselves, so I don't want to give too much of it away, but among Mahaney's suggestions for weakening pride and cultivating humility is for you to begin your day by acknowledging your dependence upon God and your need for God. This is something I had already been doing for some time, and not just in the morning but all throughout the day as well.

One thing I have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt in the 13 years since I first undertook the study of humility is that without Christ, I can do nothing (John 15:5). I am under no delusion that there is anything good in me or that I can accomplish anything of value apart from Him. I know now that the cross of Christ alone makes my life possible and knowing God, serving God, and growing in my relationship with Him are the only ultimate goals worth pursuing.

This is not to imply that I have arrived spiritually. In fact, the remainder of this post is not what I originally wrote in my journal. After I finished the entry last evening, I began reading Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller, and I was nailed by God for the blatant idolatry in my life. Looking back now over what I had written appears super-spiritual and disingenuous. According to Mahaney, humility is "honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness." He also makes the case that God is drawn to humility, that it "draws the gaze of a sovereign God." Far be it from me then to give the appearance of thinking more highly of myself than I ought (Romans 12:3).

It all boils down to this. I have been saved from hell and the penalty of sin. On top of that I have been given spiritual gifts and the opportunity to serve God in ministry—in spite of being completely undeserving. I have also been blessed with material wealth in excess of what the vast majority of the people in the world have been given. I have a faithful, loving husband who is a good provider. And I have two beautiful, healthy, intelligent children. I have godly friends who listen to me and encourage me in my walk with Christ. To think that what I have been given isn't enough is the height of arrogance. Lord, forgive me for my ungrateful heart and for not trusting in Your provision. I long for your gaze upon me.